Just an old post I wanted to keep...

I should be sleeping but my mind is attempting to defuse an email I received this morning that will never be replied to. (Thus making the defusing thinking thoughts kind of really ridiculous.) (The things we do in our minds that waste away many moments that could be better spent.) This will be the one and only time I will allow myself to think about it and as soon as the clock strikes midnight I will never speak of it again and all that is beautiful will turn into a pumpkin (even though I prefer squash) and it will be only a mere memory of someone I thought I once knew.

I don't even know how to reply to the email, but perhaps this “Note” is my reply... the unsent version that will never be read by its intender.

Writing is my outlet. (I’ve missed thee.)

It's interesting how so many people can walk in and out of our lives and how each step impacts it differently leaving minimal or great big (honking stomping) footprints.

We walk through a mall, strangers walk by, having little to no impact and little to no interaction - looks, glances maybe even (on a rare occasion) a smile is exchanged – and forgetting about them seconds later. How wonderful it would be if we could do that with people who have made large (honking stomping?) footprints on our lives… Where we could choose to forget those people seconds later, minimizing or brushing away the footprint they left on our life.

Fuck you with your fucked up past. It’s unfortunate, and to some degree I don’t blame you but I thought you were stronger, I would hope that it would never become an excuse. Perhaps it’s not even your past, perhaps it’s just who you are. Unfortunate.

I sat there telling you with a face full of tears that it's ok to let people love and care about you. You are worthy of loving and being loved. Don’t give up because this is something rare, amazing, wonderful. Let me love you. All I received from you, all you bothered to give me is your emotionless blankness stare of nothingness. Wasted breath, these words mean nothing to you.

Thank you for that.

I wonder how long it took you to realize that I was right. Do you think you are worthy of my love now? I wonder how much longer it took you to realize that you had made a mistake and crushed (and lost) an amazing girl that "got you".

Do I wish that you are left with life long, lingering regret that you would choose to think about only on lonely nights, which happens to be every night? I don’t wish that but I want you to feel SOMETHING, and I think you finally have.

I wasn't mad for the longest time. I was hurt for the longest time. Truth be told, no one has made me feel like you made me feel (The good and the bad) but I had many many days to force myself into to making myself realize that I am worthy of many many things that aren’t you.

Times up.
Shame on me.
Blessed me.

January 20, 2009