I used to have something to write about every day... What happened to those days? Perhaps with age forgetfulness comes? Or perhaps nothing really matters on that urgent “I gotta blog that” level. In so many ways life seems so much more simple as the years pass by. The elementary of a lot of the drama that went down in younger years was beyond annoying and as I look back, shit, I would kick my own ass.
Anywhoozle. The g’parents are coming for a 3 weeks visit from Ottawa. I love them to pieces, I really do, but in those 3 weeks it will be expected that every free moment I have will be spent with them. I’m a loner, I like my me time. I’m almost positive that this could cause a mental breakdown at some capacity. Meah, they are old, I love them, I will suffer through it.
Work has been slow and boring, I’m making up things to do. Mostly non-work related shit. Not. Good.
Next week starts up the Fall crazyness with my “personal” schedule. Dodgeball 3 days a week, spin and kickball along with the gym, g’parent time and me time. I live for this shit.
I’m now 27 and I suppose it is expected that I am to be married with 10 babies by now... or maybe even divorced with 10 babies and miserable as all hell...? Perhaps? Maybe? Yes? No? I’m asked almost daily how my “love life is” and if there are “any lucky men in my life” or even when I’m going to “settle down”. Ugh. Fo’serious? Why is it almost socially unacceptable to be single and not want kids and to just do it all on your own?
People are crazy, just like me.
Le sigh.
Happy hump day.
I heart you big.
Fal xo
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
retreat
It was a wickedly rad pity party last night. I’ve been pretty emotional the last few days.
I just gotta start living for me. I’m millimetres away from cutting off the whole world.
It’s a horrible feeling when you literally have no one... sure I have some people to talk to here and there but they have their own shit going on, I’m not going to burden anyone with my issues. I get that everyone has a life and I am and always will be a minimal part of it. It just seems that everyone has that ONE person they can turn to, talk every day, be there for each other, be it a friend or a significant other... I don’t have that. I have a buncha part time friends that give me temporary bursts of their time and short term smiles. I’m sure I’m much to blame for a lot of this as I do push people away at times, but it may also be WHO I choose to associate with. I’m a throw away friend, call me when you really have nothing better to do and everyone else is busy.
Things with brother are still rotten as ever. He spoke with me last week to try and figure things out. Bottom line is that he wants me to accept his relationship... after discussing that he doesn’t want anyone to pretend everything is ok. ??? I wished him well, but cannot be a part of it. Step one of separating myself from uncomfortable shitty situations. I do love him, he’s a great person, but I don’t exactly enjoying watching and hearing the robot he’s transforming into.
I’m taking a step back for awhile. Deactivated Facebook. Minimal online anything. Retreat, retreat... retreat.
I try to make sure everyone is happy around me, sometimes at the expense of my own happiness. I blow up on people that don’t deserve it. I can let my emotions take over some times. I let a lot of things build up and then I just explode.
I’m not enjoying the start to year 27 of my life.
I just gotta start living for me. I’m millimetres away from cutting off the whole world.
It’s a horrible feeling when you literally have no one... sure I have some people to talk to here and there but they have their own shit going on, I’m not going to burden anyone with my issues. I get that everyone has a life and I am and always will be a minimal part of it. It just seems that everyone has that ONE person they can turn to, talk every day, be there for each other, be it a friend or a significant other... I don’t have that. I have a buncha part time friends that give me temporary bursts of their time and short term smiles. I’m sure I’m much to blame for a lot of this as I do push people away at times, but it may also be WHO I choose to associate with. I’m a throw away friend, call me when you really have nothing better to do and everyone else is busy.
Things with brother are still rotten as ever. He spoke with me last week to try and figure things out. Bottom line is that he wants me to accept his relationship... after discussing that he doesn’t want anyone to pretend everything is ok. ??? I wished him well, but cannot be a part of it. Step one of separating myself from uncomfortable shitty situations. I do love him, he’s a great person, but I don’t exactly enjoying watching and hearing the robot he’s transforming into.
I’m taking a step back for awhile. Deactivated Facebook. Minimal online anything. Retreat, retreat... retreat.
I try to make sure everyone is happy around me, sometimes at the expense of my own happiness. I blow up on people that don’t deserve it. I can let my emotions take over some times. I let a lot of things build up and then I just explode.
I’m not enjoying the start to year 27 of my life.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Love thy brother
I write this, tears rumble down my face. After hearing and learning of many things. My brother is now dead to me. Choices he’s made, reflections of a moulded being. My laid back nature, my acceptance to many and to many situations all crumble when someone fucks with my family. Fast forward many years, my future, our future, brother, do you come back, broken and bruised, mind fucked and humbled? Do you still remain as my brother? Do we live and learn? Does and has my involvement made it all worse? Blood is thick, I love you dear brother, but fists full of insanity, poor choices and rotten excuses people would call people storm through that once smoothly paved road. How long do I sit back and let it be without saying a thing? Or do I say my piece, get stomped on and get accused of many other things and let all be... just be? I forget to breath while I write this down, my mind is light yet weighed down heavily. I love you dear brother but I’m letting you go. For now you have made your choice. For now I will be nothing to you.
Alone in never.
I drive alone
To be home, alone
To lie alone
I dream alone.
Alone, I dream of my future.
Things I will do, alone.
Alone, without a thought of you.
I will travel through life,
to see my world, alone
Alone, I will be.
Yesterday.
Today.
Tomorrow.
Forever I will be vacant in heart.
In mind.
In voice.
Alone, by myself.
Which doesn’t,
and will never include you.
To be home, alone
To lie alone
I dream alone.
Alone, I dream of my future.
Things I will do, alone.
Alone, without a thought of you.
I will travel through life,
to see my world, alone
Alone, I will be.
Yesterday.
Today.
Tomorrow.
Forever I will be vacant in heart.
In mind.
In voice.
Alone, by myself.
Which doesn’t,
and will never include you.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Broken heart for Brother
Mary I don’t really want to write this... I’m not even writing this for me or even for you. I’m writing this for Cody as he told me I had to talk to you. I have no burning desire to communicate with you. It kills me to see Cody the way he is. Mary, he’s not the same person he was before he met you. You’ve sucked the life out of that man he's alone and doesn't see the friends he grew up with. I don’t understand how everyone BUT Cody can see that you are manipulative, controlling and damaging.
The reason I’m not talking to you is because when you and Cody broke up you told me that you needed to cut off communication with me. Ok, I respected that. But then you continued to call me several times a day. At that point we are friends on your terms – you could call me at your will but I’m not to communicate with you at mine. What does this sound like to you? AND little did I know... and I realized too late... that you were calling me to gather information on Cody – that’s manipulation at its finest. It FLOORED me when you said that it wasn’t right that he wasn’t hurting enough, he wasn’t showing that he was hurting as much as you... Just so you could hurt him more you manipulated your way back into his life again just to prolong his the agony. Yet YOU told him not to call you, so he didn’t. You didn’t like that either because I guess he was supposed to beg you to love him or something... he didn’t give you enough time, enough opportunity to punish him as much as you wanted – and that really pissed you off. You need some help.
I chose not to talk to you anymore once I figured this all out. Once you death-gripped my brother again, you text me several times which I chose to ignore. I finally replied that I didn’t want to get involved. (You weren’t going to get more info from me) At that time you chose to delete me from your life. Truthfully these have been calm months. I have chosen to keep my comments to myself until recently. I still worried about my brothers well being but I figured in time you would realize what's inevitable.
I’m not sure what you were trying to accomplish on Saturday when you verbally attacked me at Hudson’s. How inappropriate of you... how immature! I didn’t even want you there but I sucked it up and made a bad situation tolerable. I have no intentions of being your friend. You’ve showed me your true colors time and time again. Everyone can see it Mary, everyone. I won’t let you use me or abuse me any longer.
Take a look at your life. You are the common denominator in all your crisis... divorces, friends, problems with your oldest. Is it always someone else’s fault? Someone else’s problem? You say our morals aren’t good enough for you. What about yours? You are dating a man far too young for you – merely twice the age of your oldest child. You moved him in while still married. Jesus, you are on Meds to keep an even keel in life. You left him for days on end with your girls before you really even knew him Mary. You have made Cody deal with one of your X-husbands. You even manipulated him into ripping our mother off for nearly $5000. Because YOU needed the money??? Cody had a responsibility there.
In the car on the way back from Jasper after snowboarding: I have no idea what you guys were arguing about but your fighting technique is impressive. Very manipulative and abusive. The crying and the constant digging. You wouldn’t leave it alone until you forced him to “admit” that he was in the wrong and he had to apologize. Is that a real "win" Mary? I had to sit through hours of it and it was horrible. I can only imagine what every day is like with you. You have no restrictions on your behaviour, no class in dealing with things in private or appropriately. You always want Cody to think that there is something wrong with him.... well Mary, there is something wrong with you and you wag your finger at Cody to camouflage your short comings. You are abusive.
Oh ya, scuba lessons were embarrassing. Everyone there was embarrassed by your behaviour. Even when the instructor tried to shut you down... you just kept on going. In the classroom you were even worse. Is it an attention thing for you Mary? Perhaps you need to look at that. You are old enough to know better. I know mom was mortified as the owner of the place ridiculed her for your performance and told her to get you to “shut the hell up.” How do you think Cody felt when you went on about being a single mom? Well Mary when you were with Cody, you weren’t alone, he was your partner and you made him look worthless. You are very selfish and self serving. I am still ashamed! It was a lot of money to make you part of that Mary... it was worthless and unappreciated. Did you even say thank-you to Mom or Pat?
The few times that I do see my brother you’re constantly calling and I gotta wonder what his days consists of... Can’t you cope on your own? How did you deal with life before he came along???? Leave him the HELL alone when he’s visiting people. Keep your insecurities yours. He doesn’t need to own them for you too. Those who he tries to have a visit with are embarrassed enough for him with your constant badgering. Give him some dignity for God sake.
It saddens me that Cody is so alone. He’s only allowed to hang out with “Mary Approved” friends. It saddens me that we all can’t do the “family thing” anymore because my mother is no longer “Mary Approved”. (and just for the record, Mary isn’t “Family approved”) How do you suppose Cody would have a happy fulfilling life with you if his family can’t be part of it? Is he to sacrifice all this for you? What have you sacrificed Mary?
It also saddens me to no end to see my brother so sad and lifeless. He seems to be scared to even say anything about anything. You’ve made him this way. I’ve said what I’ve wanted to say and I’m prepared for the repercussions. I know that one day, hopefully sooner than later, Cody will realize you’re not the one for him and he is able to move on and I’ll be there for him.
You will probably use this letter to whip him with. Just like you did when Lee spoke his mind after you poked him enough that he responded. What do you expect Mary... that maybe people should allow you abuse them with your tongue and not retaliate. Perhaps that`s what the men in your life tolerate, but people will only put up with you short term. How about you surprise me and keep this email to yourself, appreciate the outside perspective into the way you continually treat people. This is your reality.
The reason I’m not talking to you is because when you and Cody broke up you told me that you needed to cut off communication with me. Ok, I respected that. But then you continued to call me several times a day. At that point we are friends on your terms – you could call me at your will but I’m not to communicate with you at mine. What does this sound like to you? AND little did I know... and I realized too late... that you were calling me to gather information on Cody – that’s manipulation at its finest. It FLOORED me when you said that it wasn’t right that he wasn’t hurting enough, he wasn’t showing that he was hurting as much as you... Just so you could hurt him more you manipulated your way back into his life again just to prolong his the agony. Yet YOU told him not to call you, so he didn’t. You didn’t like that either because I guess he was supposed to beg you to love him or something... he didn’t give you enough time, enough opportunity to punish him as much as you wanted – and that really pissed you off. You need some help.
I chose not to talk to you anymore once I figured this all out. Once you death-gripped my brother again, you text me several times which I chose to ignore. I finally replied that I didn’t want to get involved. (You weren’t going to get more info from me) At that time you chose to delete me from your life. Truthfully these have been calm months. I have chosen to keep my comments to myself until recently. I still worried about my brothers well being but I figured in time you would realize what's inevitable.
I’m not sure what you were trying to accomplish on Saturday when you verbally attacked me at Hudson’s. How inappropriate of you... how immature! I didn’t even want you there but I sucked it up and made a bad situation tolerable. I have no intentions of being your friend. You’ve showed me your true colors time and time again. Everyone can see it Mary, everyone. I won’t let you use me or abuse me any longer.
Take a look at your life. You are the common denominator in all your crisis... divorces, friends, problems with your oldest. Is it always someone else’s fault? Someone else’s problem? You say our morals aren’t good enough for you. What about yours? You are dating a man far too young for you – merely twice the age of your oldest child. You moved him in while still married. Jesus, you are on Meds to keep an even keel in life. You left him for days on end with your girls before you really even knew him Mary. You have made Cody deal with one of your X-husbands. You even manipulated him into ripping our mother off for nearly $5000. Because YOU needed the money??? Cody had a responsibility there.
In the car on the way back from Jasper after snowboarding: I have no idea what you guys were arguing about but your fighting technique is impressive. Very manipulative and abusive. The crying and the constant digging. You wouldn’t leave it alone until you forced him to “admit” that he was in the wrong and he had to apologize. Is that a real "win" Mary? I had to sit through hours of it and it was horrible. I can only imagine what every day is like with you. You have no restrictions on your behaviour, no class in dealing with things in private or appropriately. You always want Cody to think that there is something wrong with him.... well Mary, there is something wrong with you and you wag your finger at Cody to camouflage your short comings. You are abusive.
Oh ya, scuba lessons were embarrassing. Everyone there was embarrassed by your behaviour. Even when the instructor tried to shut you down... you just kept on going. In the classroom you were even worse. Is it an attention thing for you Mary? Perhaps you need to look at that. You are old enough to know better. I know mom was mortified as the owner of the place ridiculed her for your performance and told her to get you to “shut the hell up.” How do you think Cody felt when you went on about being a single mom? Well Mary when you were with Cody, you weren’t alone, he was your partner and you made him look worthless. You are very selfish and self serving. I am still ashamed! It was a lot of money to make you part of that Mary... it was worthless and unappreciated. Did you even say thank-you to Mom or Pat?
The few times that I do see my brother you’re constantly calling and I gotta wonder what his days consists of... Can’t you cope on your own? How did you deal with life before he came along???? Leave him the HELL alone when he’s visiting people. Keep your insecurities yours. He doesn’t need to own them for you too. Those who he tries to have a visit with are embarrassed enough for him with your constant badgering. Give him some dignity for God sake.
It saddens me that Cody is so alone. He’s only allowed to hang out with “Mary Approved” friends. It saddens me that we all can’t do the “family thing” anymore because my mother is no longer “Mary Approved”. (and just for the record, Mary isn’t “Family approved”) How do you suppose Cody would have a happy fulfilling life with you if his family can’t be part of it? Is he to sacrifice all this for you? What have you sacrificed Mary?
It also saddens me to no end to see my brother so sad and lifeless. He seems to be scared to even say anything about anything. You’ve made him this way. I’ve said what I’ve wanted to say and I’m prepared for the repercussions. I know that one day, hopefully sooner than later, Cody will realize you’re not the one for him and he is able to move on and I’ll be there for him.
You will probably use this letter to whip him with. Just like you did when Lee spoke his mind after you poked him enough that he responded. What do you expect Mary... that maybe people should allow you abuse them with your tongue and not retaliate. Perhaps that`s what the men in your life tolerate, but people will only put up with you short term. How about you surprise me and keep this email to yourself, appreciate the outside perspective into the way you continually treat people. This is your reality.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
randomz
I rather enjoy finding new cool things online that entertain me.
Blogging again is sweet. Oh how I’ve missed thee. Now I just need to decide if I want to share all this with the world. I should probably, eh? I have nothing to hide really. (Except for the dead male hooker under my bead. Har har!)
I’m totally craving something sweet. Rawr. Gimme gimme.
I have been thinking a lot about my younger years, how retardingly stupid I was with some of the things I said and did and how ridiculous some of my choices were. Than again, you always want what you can’t have. Many “What If’s” pass through my thoughts. Very lame of me, if you were to ask me.
Incase I you missed it in the last post, KINGS OF LEON – TOMORROW! WOOOOHOOO! *pees herself* Gunna try and get some pictures. We have better seats than we did with Blink 182... or maybe not. I just looked. We’re in the 100’s but we’re FAR corner. Le sigh. OH WELL! Live music. Joyous me!
I procrastinate. I’m lame like that.
The end.
Blogging again is sweet. Oh how I’ve missed thee. Now I just need to decide if I want to share all this with the world. I should probably, eh? I have nothing to hide really. (Except for the dead male hooker under my bead. Har har!)
I’m totally craving something sweet. Rawr. Gimme gimme.
I have been thinking a lot about my younger years, how retardingly stupid I was with some of the things I said and did and how ridiculous some of my choices were. Than again, you always want what you can’t have. Many “What If’s” pass through my thoughts. Very lame of me, if you were to ask me.
Incase I you missed it in the last post, KINGS OF LEON – TOMORROW! WOOOOHOOO! *pees herself* Gunna try and get some pictures. We have better seats than we did with Blink 182... or maybe not. I just looked. We’re in the 100’s but we’re FAR corner. Le sigh. OH WELL! Live music. Joyous me!
I procrastinate. I’m lame like that.
The end.
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