retreat

It was a wickedly rad pity party last night. I’ve been pretty emotional the last few days.

I just gotta start living for me. I’m millimetres away from cutting off the whole world.

It’s a horrible feeling when you literally have no one... sure I have some people to talk to here and there but they have their own shit going on, I’m not going to burden anyone with my issues. I get that everyone has a life and I am and always will be a minimal part of it. It just seems that everyone has that ONE person they can turn to, talk every day, be there for each other, be it a friend or a significant other... I don’t have that. I have a buncha part time friends that give me temporary bursts of their time and short term smiles. I’m sure I’m much to blame for a lot of this as I do push people away at times, but it may also be WHO I choose to associate with. I’m a throw away friend, call me when you really have nothing better to do and everyone else is busy.

Things with brother are still rotten as ever. He spoke with me last week to try and figure things out. Bottom line is that he wants me to accept his relationship... after discussing that he doesn’t want anyone to pretend everything is ok. ??? I wished him well, but cannot be a part of it. Step one of separating myself from uncomfortable shitty situations. I do love him, he’s a great person, but I don’t exactly enjoying watching and hearing the robot he’s transforming into.

I’m taking a step back for awhile. Deactivated Facebook. Minimal online anything. Retreat, retreat... retreat.

I try to make sure everyone is happy around me, sometimes at the expense of my own happiness. I blow up on people that don’t deserve it. I can let my emotions take over some times. I let a lot of things build up and then I just explode.

I’m not enjoying the start to year 27 of my life.